Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
