Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
