I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
