if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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