1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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