True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
