If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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