i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
