I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
