There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
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I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
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What changed your mind?
Being sober
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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