K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
