and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
