she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
