Do you still have your period?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
