I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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