ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
