I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
