paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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