So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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