Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
