Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
