It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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