Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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