just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
