i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
