why didn't you poke me back
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
