Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
