hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
