Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
