the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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