I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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