I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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