So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
