I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
