idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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