I will die if light touches me.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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