this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
