nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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