You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
