i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
