I hate all girls vehemently.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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