you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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