dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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