the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
