I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
