Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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