I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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