If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
