I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
