you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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