my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
