I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
