We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
false alarm. still invincible.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
