You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
