So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Randomize
