I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
