If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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