Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
