fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I looked at my own cervix.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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