i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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