I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
