yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
